Cóphi Productions

Miki Howard, Love Under New Management

You ever hear a song that goes so hard that it puts you in your feelings? That’s how I felt listening to Miki last night.

I remember the feeling of my first heartbreak like it was yesterday. I can’t remember exactly why we broke up, but I remember the feeling of it.
That shit hurt.
I remember calling him a lot of times, and finally, after ignoring me 99 of those 100 times, he finally picked up and said, “STOP FUCKIN CALLIN ME!” and hung up. Clutching my chest, I threw the phone. Keep in mind that this was about 15 years ago, when cordless phones popped. Remember house phones, y’all?! When people had to call the house for you?! It seems so long ago!
I digress.
I was devastated. I cried for at least a week, wrote some shit about him, and let go. I never reached out again, not even for the “can we at least be friends” spiel. I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER feel like that again. If a man said it was over, it was over, period. I carried that feeling with me, never wanting to forget that heartache; any time after that, if I was seeing a guy and he expressed that he wasn’t interested, or if I felt a vibe that he wasn’t interested, I would dead it. It would be a done bun for me, and I wouldn’t look back.
There were a few guys that I tried to make it work with, but I wasn’t the one doing the reaching out post breakup; I was the one trying to make the relationship work before it got to the point of no return. There are a lot of us that do this, doing our best to show resilience in otherwise shitty situations we’d rather not let go of, when what we really should be doing is
letting thefuck go.
Let go.
What I’ve come to understand, through readings with Kay, a dope woman I met on Instagram, and conversations with friends, is that we have to understand the power of The Universe and Laws of Attraction. If you entertain something or someone that you know is no good for you, you’re going to continue to receive variations of that someone or something in your life, because you continue to accept it as opposed to rejecting it. They/it may not be like the last instance verbatim, but there will be specific similarities that will be hard to miss. This was happening to me A LOT, and it wasn’t until I really started paying attention to myself and dating habits that I noticed the similarities. What irked me the most is that I KNEW I KNEW that the situation I was in wasn’t right, but, even with tears in my eyes and doubt in my heart, I was hoping that last relationship wasn’t going to end the way I knew it would. I held out hope until I was at my wit’s end, and, after speaking to Kay to confirm my feelings:
I let it thefuck go.
I am not a clairvoyant, nor am I psychic. We all have intuition though, and some of us are more in sync with our intuition than others.
I am becoming one with myself and my intuition.
I see so many people (both celebrities and people that I know personally) staying in relationships that are to their direct detriment so often that I question if this is how we truly view love. Do we really think love is rain and thunderstorms before the sunshine, or is this how we pacify ourselves while staying in unhealthy relationships out of a fear we can’t even explain? I was one of those people, and it took that last pang of heartache, crying on my knees from the weight of the pain, for me to really really get it. I was that teenager all over again, crying those boohoo tears (y’all know what I’m talkin’ about, the kind of cry that makes your shoulders bounce,) wishing I would’ve listened to my intuition from the beginning instead of believing things would be different. I had broken the promise.

I will never cry those tears again.
Ever.
Yea right!
How you know?!
I know that I will never cry those tears again, because I can’t afford to. I ain’t got the monies for them tears. I’m tear broke. I’m all cried out. Cue the 112 and Allure!
*gasps*
It was definitely a Sunday morning! 😱

I am dating a man now that is so different from what I’m used to that sometimes it scares me. Sometimes when we’re together, I … …sometimes I feel like it’s not real. I find myself waiting for the  other shoe to drop, because it feels too good to be true, because I’ve been preconditioned to prepare myself for the bullshit society expects me to accept, because “every relationship has its shit.” When those thoughts and feelings creep up on me, I get them right outta here with a good pep talk:

“Alright now with this shit! You been through too much to get in ya own way! Ya done seen enough, felt enough, lived enough of this sad shit. You deserve the same love you be giving to everyone else! We up in here under new management! If shit get thick, you know when to dip! Enjoy this peace! Get it together, kitten!”

This is legit the pep talk I give myself when good things happen and I attempt to go into that rabbit sadness hole, as opposed to being grateful for the good and manifesting more of it. Just yesterday he said to me, “you’re cute.” I say, “and you’re handsome.” He says, “why can’t you just say thank you?”

Because I’m not used to this type of peace in a relationship.

Granted, we disagree on things, we even had our first minor tiff, but even that bounce back was different. He apologized first! That may be minuscule to some of you, but to someone like me, that meant a lot. I’m so used to being the first to say sorry that when it happened, I couldn’t process it. I adore him. He may not know it, but with each instance I experience with him, he is showing me that healthy relationships DO exist, and that, should we not work out, the next man is going to have HUGE shoes to fill.

To anyone that is standing right now where I once stood, I don’t have the exact words for you, but I need you to get the ball rolling, kitten. You know that you aren’t supposed to be there, in whatever situation is hurting you. Get that ball rolling. I understand how hard it can be to leave someone you’re invested in, because I’ve been there, too, but let me ask you a question: when you gon’ invest in you?

Find yourself, find your voice, your intuition, thoughts and feelings, and put yourself under new management.

Peace,
April Bee