Cóphi Productions

Proud, I’m proud of what I am
Poems I speak are plug two type
Please oh please let plug two be
Himself, not what you read or write…

From 16-27, I worked in retail. I was transitioning a lot during that time (mentally, physically and emotionally.) I was a mom, employee and college student. I graduated from college and applied for jobs almost immediately. I even went to New York to sell doors door to door (OK, not really, but that’s how desperate I was, lol.) I was wondering why come, as hard as I worked, why come I wasn’t finding the success my friends and family were finding? Why come I’m still in retail? Looking back, I totally understand why. 

I wasn’t ready.

Say what?

I wasn’t ready. 

How you know?

I know now that I wasn’t ready because, even though I was transitioning, I wasn’t really progressing in my personal or professional life. I worked hard but my temper was crazy. I felt entitled because of my work ethic and background. I was late. A LOT. I would make excuses and take little (if any) accountability for me being late because in my mind, who gon put the time in that I do? At home, I was a pushover. I would let things slide that should’ve been addressed in the first instance. I blamed a lot of my flaws on my childhood, which, although it wasn’t the best, was not the responsible way to address and resolve issues in my adult life. Also, my love life wasn’t fulfilling (no offense to my exes.) I wasn’t happy in relationships because I wasn’t happy with myself. I stayed in relationships that I knew weren’t in my best interest, hoping things would change, when it was ME that needed to change and leave the relationships that weren’t healthy for me. I was literally attracting people that had the same shit going on in different capacities. I was depressed and contemplated …bad things many times (ashamed to even say it…) and had at one point my made up my mind that, because things weren’t falling into place the way I thought they should, that I would finally go through with those bad thoughts after my youngest child finished school. Life was now a countdown and I didn’t really care how things went. If it was good, great; if not, who cares? I won’t be here much longer. I kept those thoughts and feelings to myself, tucked away in notebooks piled to the top of my closet, and was just existing.  I hid this from my family and friends for as long as I could, until recently, during an argument, I let it slip:

 

I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE!

 

The Universe was aware of me.

Even with me finding a better job and improving my work ethic, even being promoted…the Universe knew that I wasn’t ready. How could I take on the things I was asking for when I already had my hands full with me?

Sometimes in life, we ask for things we think we’re ready for, only to get them and either no longer desire them, or we find out that we aren’t as prepared as we thought we were. I took A Seat at The Table (hey Solangey baby!) and assessed my situation (we’ll discuss Black folks and Depression in another blog) and understood that regardless of what material things or opportunities I have, they will all be for naught if I am not mentally and emotionally prepared to handle them. What would’ve happened if I would’ve had the money and the house, the car, the successful radio show and everything else I wanted–all of that responsibility, before I was really ready?! I would’ve lost it all and been even deeper in my rabbit sadness hole. Looking back, I am actually happy that the things I was asking for didn’t come to fruition. 

I am now on the path to becoming a better me. That path, road, journey, whatever you want to call it, is not to be taken halfheartedly. I walk it with everything I’ve got. It is definitely an uphill battle, and there are times where I’m tired and I want to just turn around and go back to that rabbit sadness hole and wallow in my sorrows, cause that’s so much easier than being accountable and responsible for my shit.  I had a minor surgery recently that scared the shit outta me, and all I could think of was those notebooks…I didn’t really want to die, I was afraid to deal with me. This is NOT how everyone dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide thinks or feels–-let me make that crystal clear–these were just MY thoughts. 

Whenever I think of that rabbit sadness hole and all of its “comforts,” I force myself out of that hole and to instead think of all the good things that are waiting for me: the peace, prosperity, the happiness, my dope ass friends and family, them kids all grown up and successful, that house with two bathrooms (comeONNAH, ancestors!) …a healthy loving relationship (hey love!)… and me. A healthier and much happier me. Just the thought of me in a happier place is making me smile right now!

Y’all may think that a lot of what I’m saying is corny and cliche, but I am telling you, the cliche is what keeps me afloat.  We all need to be mindful of this: preparation is one of the major keys to the house of success. Preparation starts within. The more ready we are for things in our minds and spirits, the more ready we’ll be on a tangible level.  Are you ready for the things you’re asking for?

I believe that I’m ready.

Say whaaaaat?

I said I believe I’m ready!

How you know?

I believe that I’m ready because I have begun to cut ties with the old me. My spirit is more appreciative of the air in my lungs and the beat of my heart, and has begun to sync with my soul; I quit smoking cigarettes for good (which is literally saving my life!) and, day by day, I am becoming one with me. I take more naps now than a toddler (rest ya soul!) and I am more observant and caring of myself. I’m more considerate of me now than I’ve ever been. It aint gon be no kinda half steppin’ in relationships from here on out. Yes, I still have a LOT to work on, but the acknowledgement of my continued need for improvement speaks volumes of the old me. That old me, that heffa *side eye* …she gotta GO. She can’t go where the Universe is taking me, and to be honest, she doesn’t deserve it. 

But I do.