I am 32 years old and just beginning to come into who I am supposed to be.
For years, I thought I knew myself, my people and my passion; I was obsessed with these things, as I was doing my best to pack that rabbit sadness hole with as much of my people, passion self as possible to keep myself out of there. I would hang out early and often, making sure to accept every invite that I could; I would hang with my multiple circle of friends (childhood, college and work,) being sure to give them all equal attention.
This was April Bee in her 20’s.
20’s April Bee is not who I am anymore. I had to leave her behind. 20’s April Bee meant well, but not enough for her to be able to live the life and see the things 30’s April Bee is experiencing. 30’s April Bee can see this fact quite clearly, now that the rain is gone. She can see all obstacles that were in her way; gone are dark clouds that had me blind. In her 30’s and beyond, there will bright, bright, bright sunshiny days.
That last paragraph takes a piece of Johnny Nash’ “I Can See Clearly Now,” if you didn’t pick that up. I know, I know—I can’t expect y’all to be up in EVERY song, but I should give y’all a little credit. Ha!
Today, I am traveling back to Philly from Washington, D.C. on business. As I sit on this Amtrak train with my co-worker, Tamara, I am working on this very blog that I’ve been mulling over in my head for the last two months or so. As I’m writing, a smile crosses my face as a new thought comes to me: I have never traveled for business before—I’ve only done the expense reports for the engineers and project managers I work with and for. 20’s April Bee would be so proud!
I take a break and go scrolling through Instagram, and come across this Henry Ward Beecher quote:
”It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words…that is friendship.”
The feels! Also: the appreciation—I’ve got my blog!
We love our friends and genuinely want what’s best for them. I believe that it is important for us all to find our people, passions and self before we leave this earth, and your people, or tribe as I like to call them, play a critical role in you finding your passion and self. That’s why this quote stood out to me, because my tribe has helped me to become the April Bee I am today.
My tribe consists of my family, friends and my love (I’m too old to be calling him my boyfriend.) While each of their roles are different and have changed as I’ve grown older, my tribe has been consistent in the growth of my individual self. My friends and family push me to grow in my mind, body and spirit, supporting every endeavor with genuine love and direction. There have been times where I literally didn’t know if I was coming or going, but my friends and family were there for me to help figure my shit out. When I was in that rabbit sadness hole, my friends kept me safe. My friends have pushed me to conquer so many fears, and I am grateful for their support. I don’t believe I’d be traveling and blogging today if it weren’t for them.
My love, though fairly new to my life, has played a role in my growth as well. I am growing in my spirit, womanhood and as a partner, as he allows a safe space for me to freely express my thoughts and feelings, in addition to the love and support he gives consistently. Before we started dating, I would keep a lot of my thoughts to myself or express them to my friends out of fear of pushing a partner away; I don’t know how to argue, so a lot of times I shut down. With my partner, he shows me that there’s no need to argue— we can be civil and have conversations without one of us (read: me) thinking that some kinda harm will come from it. The safe space my partner provides is important, because it allows me to say what’s on my mind and spirit without feeling stifled or out of line. It is a comfort that is both new and at times scary for me, scary because I don’t want to lose it.
His actions assure me that I’ve got the space, indefinitely.
Though there is love and support in abundance within my tribe, a few members have had to tell me about myself and the crap I was getting into unnecessarily. There have been times where I myself have had to do the same. We gotta be able to call the homies out on their shit. This is important for growth, because if no one is telling you that you need to change, and you yourself don’t see or feel the need to change, how will you grow? Coddling does nothing for us, as it stunts our growth and leaves no room to change the things about us that need to be changed in order for us to ascend to our higher selves.
We all need that push, and sometimes it has to come from the people closest to us—otherwise, we may not take heed to it.
Them words really stick when they come from the clique!
We’re pulling into Philly now, and my heart is full of emotions. I look at Tamara, who’s been on countless trips before. This is business as usual to her, but today is a milestone for me. I am proud of myself, and my people too. As I grab my bags from overhead, I close my eyes and thank them.
I turn to Tamara and thank her for allowing me to accompany her on this trip. As we go our separate ways, I wish her well and say a prayer to the Universe, covering us both.
Here’s to safe travels in the future, for both business and pleasure.
Aśe!
Peace,
April Bee